Any Way You Slice It

Buzzing down the Facial Care/Skin Care/Body Lotion aisle on my way to make a quick prescription pick up for my mom in the local drugstore, I stop, take a couple of steps backward, and confirm that there is a display of egg slicers stuck amongst the inventory of beauty aids.

"Display" may be a bit of an exaggeration. Actually, the egg slicers were hanging by a strip of clips, the way lunch-size bags of chips are near the cash register at a sandwich shop. I didn't and still don't get the connection. Is this an intentional merchandising ploy or the result of "corporate" not understanding the unique market demographic of a California beach community?

I forget what we were scouting down, but one time my sister and I were in a mega-supermarket and in the Feminine Hygiene aisle was a strip of clips holding candy bars. Some of the clips were empty, unlike the egg slicers. That attempt at subliminal marketing I understood.

The egg slicers, I'm still scratching my head over. Maybe it is related to the recent salmonella recall.

Eat, Pray, Be Jealous

I read "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert back when it had a seat on bestseller lists and book clubs everywhere were discussing it. The only thing I didn't like about the book is that I didn't write it first. Oh, I suppose I could nitpick a bit and come up with another item or two that I didn't like, but why bother.

Now the movie is set to debut and I find I'm still really bummed that I wasn't the one who first wrote "Eat, Pray, Love." So forgive me if I sound a little jealous and petty, but you know what kind of bugs me? The fact that the movie, ipso facto the book, is described as "one woman's year-long solo trip around the globe."

Didn't the author go to Italy, India, and Bali? That is three countries, not around the globe. And, yes, I know, Bali is not a country -- Indonesia is the country. In fact, didn't she fly from the east coast of the United States to Italy and return to the U.S. before heading out to India then Bali? That makes it even less so "around the globe."

As they are with math, American schoolchildren are famously bad at geography. I expect more from movie and book reviewers and the marketing people at Sony Pictures. Could be I'm not remembering the book's itinerary so well. Maybe my jealousy is clouding my memory.

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Or, does it?

Funny, how it is the unsaid stuff one’s parents do that is incorporated into an offspring’s behavior. I think the correct term is “internalize.” Certainly, my mother never sat me down for a how-to lesson on self sabotage or gave me pointers on substance abuse. Nevertheless, I managed all by lonesome to master those traits.

My mom passed on good habits to me as well. Making lists as a way to stay organized is a good example. Again, like the aforementioned example, she didn’t sit me down, pull out a free pad of paper from a local real estate agent, and enumerate tomorrow’s to-do list. Listing is something she’s always done, so naturally (I guess) I picked up the method.

My mom turns 77 this year and she still makes lists. Check out the one on the left.

Let's take a serious look

In the real estate market where I live one quickly learns that "cozy" translates as cramped, "charming" is a euphemism for ramshackle, and "close to shopping, transportation, and downtown" really means an awful location.

See the ad at right? The only doctoring I did was to enlarge the appropriate words and underline them. The misspell is courtesy of the author.

And so it goes with writing jobs -- or any job for that matter. "Challenging" means you'll work your ass off for little pay. "Chance to prove yourself" is code for we're not sure this thing will fly but will pay you minimum wage to test it.
Recently, the phrase "serious inquiries only" has really stood out. First, I want to know are the words necessary. Do job seekers go through the bother of assembling the proper paperwork to apply for job as a lark? Sort of like a grown-up prank phone call, if you will?

I think the phrase is a misguided effort to give an air of legitimacy to a completely bogus ad. Really? Are we supposed to believe that the sky is the limit supplying Web site copy at 1 cent a word?

Truly, may I offer this piece of advice? If you see "serious inquiries only" in an ad -- any kind of an ad -- do not to read any further.

New Carpinteria Magazine hits the streets!

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!
The latest issue of Carpinteria Magazine is now available. Readers can pick up a copy at the Coastal View News office, 4856 Carpinteria Ave. in the great town of Carpinteria.

Don't you love the cover? I do! That's Dan Alvis. He really captures an essence of Carpinteria that has eluded any kind of exposure. The magazine's photography is beyond compare and almost captures just how gorgeous our slice of paradise is. Let's face it: there's just something about Carpinteria that defies definition.

The stories in the magazine are top notch, too. It is a "fun" issue. Get your copy today. Or check it out online at www.carpinteriamagazine.com.

Let me know what you think.

Dreams Do Come True

The difficult part about having your dreams come true is keeping your dreams in the forefront of your mind. That's why experts in the field (motivational speakers, life coaches, sales managers and the like) suggest keeping pictures of your goals in front of you, like on the bathroom mirror, or writing affirmations. You have to remind the noggin just what it is you are after.

Above, doesn't the new mixer look beautiful. This is before any mixing soiled the beautiful machinery.

One of my purely materialistic aspirations has been a Kitchen Aid mixer. (BTW, I wish for world peace and like to think I do my part to make the world a better place.) The Kitchen Aid mixer, I must confess, is 100 percent vanity and indulgence. It is not as if I bake frequently or that particularly well. I wanted that appliance trophy, and have wanted it off and on for about the last 15 years.

My husband received a notice his air miles were about to expire. I thought we could get a couple of magazine subscriptions, at least, out of the deal, so I dusted off his account and pin numbers and did a little online shopping.

My eyes almost popped out of my head when I saw the Kitchen Aid mixer at 40,000-and- change points/miles. He had a few miles to spare, and I thought I'd cough up the tax and shipping in cash. Can you believe we weren't charged anything extra for tax or shipping?

Dreams do come true, and sometime better than we imagined.

Managing My Portfolio

Recently, I've been spending a lot of erratic time putting together a good old-fashion portfolio. You know the kind: highlights of past work printed on paper (or cardboard or foam core) and lovingly organized in a large leather satchel (which also goes by the name of portfolio). The zip of the case and being able to feel the work with your fingers is infinitely more satisfying than a digital portfolio or book.

The reason for the good old-fashion portfolio is twofold. First, it is a good exercise in building oneself up after Orozco Ink not being able to land any new jobs for a couple of months. Having previous accomplishments laid out in front of you is a big help in the self-esteem department. Second, even in this digital age, it is a good idea to have an updated portfolio at the ready to show prospective clients.

In addition to trying to hobble the portfolio together during spurts of unscheduled time, the project does present one big problem. How large should it be? I'm a big believer in "keep 'em wanting more." But, I also want to cover all my bases so prospects know all that I can do.

I love this photo of a Peruvian girl with a baby llama. But, it really doesn't belong in my portfolio for writing jobs, even though I did take a pretty good photo. Portfolios are a very good example of sometimes less is more.